Bitter
by Samanda Hime-sama
Summary: Tsukasa mourns an important person in his life then muses on feelings for another person. Will he tell her and what will she say? Very mild shoujo ai. Tsukasa/Mimiru. ****Completed!****
1. Bitter

This is from Tsukasa's POV and any dot hack//sign fan worth their salt knows who this poem is for so don't email me anymore asking who the lady with the little wings is. sighs That's Subaru! Be patient, watch the series and don't miss an episode. Jeez.

And for those who have seen the show… Tsukasa and Mimiru forever!

Ja ne,

Samanda

Bitter

She doesn't cry prettily.

It's a raging storm

Of loud sobs, hiccups,

Red eyes and splotchy face.

Tears drip into her mouth

Onto her clothes.

Is it a coincidence

That all tears are salty?

She knows it is not.

A taste of salt

Is an explosion of bitterness

In a mouth puckering

In acute distaste.

She is bitter herself

Needing no one's permission

To mourn.

Anyway read and review, minna.


	2. Bitter Part Two

What the hell? I don't know how this turned from angsty, mourning Tsukasa to thoughtful, in love Tsukasa but it has. 

This is from Tsukasa's POV. For your information, yes Tsukasa is really a girl that lives in Japan but because of how she was raised by her father I will be using the term 'he' for Tsukasa. Her father tried to eradicate any sense of femininity about her and so Tsukasa is more comfortable thinking about herself as a he.

I warn you that this fic contains gender confusion and will contain shoujo ai in its mildest form. That means nothing more than warm and fuzzy feelings/thoughts. 

This is dedicated to my friend, Chris, who hooked me on this series. Because of the serious discussions we have had about hack//sign the idea for this fic was born.

By the way I am working on a new idea. Chris gave me a strange idea and being the perverse person I am…I will run with it! Of course he did threaten to hurt me if I did it but, hey, pain isn't always bad. winks A Sora centered lemon hehe. rubs her hands together evilly

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack//sign or any of its characters.

Bitter Chapter Two

Tsukasa gazed into the distance with unseeing eyes. The place where 

he and Mimiru always met was deserted at this time, mostly because it was the wee hours of the morning. Mimiru wasn't supposed to meet him until after school let out in the afternoon so he had plenty of time to sit and think. Without meaning to his thoughts strayed to his mother again and the real reason he was here.

His mother had died four years ago and it made him feel strange to

think about life before she was gone but he couldn't help himself. It was hard to think about BD or Before Death as he thought of it because he had changed so much. In that distant time there was no 'him'. There was simply 'her'. Tsukasa.

Then his mother had died and so had 'she'. But while his mother had died a victim of her own body's betrayal Tsukasa's female self had been strangled by the man called Father. Father had methodically cut away all sense of Tsukasa's former self before beating a new self into being.

Him. Tsukasa.

Tsukasa still grieved for Mother. For her soft voice and her scent of vanilla and lillies. For the comforting hugs given at any notice and for the hope that was now lost. Tears had been cried until Tsukasa saw the gray world through blurry vision. 

Here in The World he could still feel his emotions and could get hurt. The only release forbidden to him here was tears. He felt a sense of relief that tears were denied to him.

That was why he didn't want to log out. Death was the only option life had given to him after Mother had been taken away. He would rather die in a place of wonder and mysteries like The World than go back to the gray world he inhabited and would doubtless die in given his 'Father's' will. And so he was content to stay in The World and wait to die.

But that had been before he had been changed again. Hope had been given back to him finally with the appearances of Mimiru and Subaru. Each had been able to accomplish something that separately might never have worked.

When he had met Mimiru he had been pulled towards her though he had fought it hard. But with Subaru it had been different. Subaru and he had an instant connection together that defied words. Subaru was like a twin sister to him, only found after years of search.

But Mimiru had melted the ice in his soul. He had stopped resisting the force that drew him to her when he understood why. He had slipped so completely into the role of being a boy that he had literally become his role. He was a boy. 

Mimiru had compassion for him he knew and her cheerfulness had gotten them through a few rough spots in the past. Her feistiness amused him and let him smile in spite of it all. She made him feel again and he was grateful. But best of all, now there was hope. 

And he loved Mimiru with a passion and an intensity that sometimes overwhelmed him. But she only touched his hand and he was gentled into tenderness. He didn't know yet whether she could love him back or not but he was willing to wait.

Tsukasa gave a slow smile as his eyes focused on the scenery around him. Mother might be gone and he would always mourn the fact that she wasn't here but now he had hope again in the guise of a few new caring people like Subaru and Bear. But most importantly he had his love. Oh he could wait until forever for his spunky girl.


	3. Longing

I know this is kind of weird but I decided that I wanted to do a poem then another part of the story. These poems are actually why this evolved into a fic. I fleshed out the poems into different parts of the story.

There will be three poems and three story parts in all. The next story part will deal with Tsukasa telling Mimiru how he feels about her.

Sorry, Nate0130 that I wasn't too clear on the timeline. Tsukasa never goes back to The World after he logs out so…. That means the first and second part will be set before Aura wakes up. The third will be set after Tsukasa logs out. Kay?

As always my thanks go out to Akichi-kun for providing me with the idea for this fic. We are also bandying around an idea for a Kite/Black Rose story. They want to know why Mistral is so strange and so they go and rent an American movie. They get the wrong movie by mistake….The horrors! 

And to the rest of you that reviewed: Thank you! Awwww….I feel so loved!

Please read if we decide to put it out there, okay?

Aisheteru means 'I love you' in japanese.

If you have any questions please email me at skyeroseprincess@aol.com

Now read, enjoy and review.

Samanda

Bitter

Part Two: Longing

If I leave this place

How will I ever

See you again?

I haven't told you yet

About how I feel

And it's a toss up

If I ever will.

Still I will miss you

If we had to part

And go our separate ways.

To be honest

'missing you'

is too thin of an answer.

I would waste away

With utter longing.

I would wish to die

If you were gone forever

And never came back to me.

Someday I'll tell you

And give you my secret

But for now only this paper

Shall know my feelings.

Aisheteru.


	4. Longing Part Two

Due to a request from Mimiru I began this chapter sooner than I had planned. What can I say? She bribed me with a picture of Tsukasa and Mimiru holding hands.

This is based on an experience of mine if anyone is wondering. I can only write what I feel or have felt. So in this case Tsukasa and Mimiru's actions and reactions are courtesy of me and what I think He would do.

As always my love goes to my Caro Mio and is this story is also dedicated to S.C for friendship beyond bounds.

Akichi-kun: thank you for your ideas. Without you Tsukasa would not be as rich in character. And like S.C. my friendship with you is without bounds.

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack.

Quote of the day: 'Truth is always stranger than fiction.'

Longing Part Two

Morning had long been over and Tsukasa hadn't moved from the spot he had chosen. 

So many changes in such a short period of time, Tsukasa mused. Life certainly went on even though you sometimes wanted to freeze time to stillness.

Sadness could be seen sometimes still in his eyes but more often it was gone and replaced with something he had felt seldom before the world. He was happy. His face could still be called expressionless but any person close to him knew that his when his lips turned up a little, it was a smile. 

And he seemed to always be smiling around a certain spunky girl who was oblivious to his feelings.

But oh, when she was gone his smile disappeared and he was lost in a darkness that he had finally thought that he escaped. He was tormented by her image in his head at night and the sound of the wind mimicking her voice. 

He tried to put it in the back of his mind to forget about it for a while but it kept intruding into his thoughts. Insomnia ruled his nights and Mimiru his days as he tried to figure out what to do. In the end it wasn't he who hit upon the solution.

It was his soul twin, Subaru.

Tsukasa had told Subaru the whole tale in his desperation. She held his hand comfortingly during the explanation and squeezed it gently when he was done.

Her blue eyes were thoughtful as they stared into his. "Tsukasa, it sounds like you have fallen in love with her."

Tsukasa nodded quietly and Subaru sighed.

"It's going to get worse," She warned. "Tell her you love her."

Tsukasa closed his eyes. Her advice resounded in his soul and told him that his twin was right.

Finally he nodded. "You are right, twin. I'll tell her."

"If you do it sooner than later it will be easier on you." Subaru offered a last piece of advice.

But he had ignored it and she had been right. He was suffering the torment of the damned and he wanted her to know, no matter what. Such a short time ago he had been glad he was unable to shed tears but now he sorrowed that it was denied to him. But he had no safe release to drain the swirling emotions within him except the power of words.

It mattered what Mimiru's reaction would be but it wasn't the most important thing. No, the most important thing was that his feelings would be out at the open and he would know relief.

So now he waited for Mimiru's arrival.

And finally she came with a torrent of repeated apologies that he waved off in unconcern. After all, she was here already and that was all that was important to him. Tsukasa's lips tilted upward in that slight grin from the force of the feelings that swept over him at the sight of her.

He forced himself to listen to what she said instead of gawking at her like some dazzled newbie.

"-So what do you want to do?" She was asking him. "We could go to a dungeon or try to level up at a beginning area for you."

He knew that if he picked either he would lose himself in the situation at hand and never tell her. That was a cowards way out and he could no longer be a coward.

"Can we just stay here for a while longer?" Tsukasa asked.

Mimiru looked at him with confusion. "But I thought you called me here so we could form a party."

Tsukasa shook his head and said softly, "I just wanted to talk to you. I feel so lonely."

Mimiru's face smoothed out and she smiled. "Let's walk around for a while, okay?"

Tsukasa nodded and they began walking aimlessly around 'The World'. From habit with walking with Subaru and the current deep chasm of his thoughts, he caught up Mimiru's hand in his own.

Mimiru flushed a little but chose to say nothing. When Tsukasa had noticed what he had done he dropped her hand like it was aflame.

"I- I am so sorry!" He stammered out, blushing.

Mimiru blushed a little more and said hesitantly, "I…I didn't mind."

Tsukasa's face was full of longing with a little bit of confusion mixed in. He stared at her in hope. "You don't?"

Mimiru shook her head and took his hand. "Nope."

Tsukasa blushed bright red but left his hand entwined in Mimiru's. Tsukasa actually felt happier than he had ever been before. He squeezed her hand gently and when she returned the gesture his little smile actually turned into a wide, sparkling smile.

He stopped suddenly and asked her. "Mimiru, do you have any feelings for me?"

Mimiru reddened again but nodded. "Hai."

"What do you feel for me?" Tsukasa said in a low voice. Fear had crept back into his voice as well as curiousity.

"You are my friend," Mimiru said simply.

Tsukasa was deflated. "A friend," He said in an empty voice.

An oblivious Mimiru frowned in puzzlement. "Tsukasa, what's wrong?"

Dealing with the sudden fall back to the ground was tough and he almost missed his opportunity to say what he needed to.

He cleared his throat and looked her straight in the eyes. "Mimiru, I have something to tell you but first promise me will stay friends no matter what."

Something flickered in Mimiru's eyes but it was gone too quickly for Tsukasa to identify the emotion. Tsukasa wondered about it but shrugged it off.

"I promise," She said quietly.

"It's so hard to start," Tsukasa began. "From the time I couldn't log out till until now there have been two main people that have helped me. Subaru and you."

"But Bear and the others-" Mimiru interrupted.

Tsukasa gave her his small smile. "They helped but you and she were more important to me than them."

Mimiru nodded and Tsukasa went on. "From the first time I saw you I was drawn to you. I thought it was simply because I was lonely but it wasn't. Through your patience, cheerfulness and help I grew to realize that I really did need other people for something. That I wasn't alone anymore."

Tsukasa took a deep breath and continued. "I was drawn to you and it only got stronger as time went on. And I finally understand why you were always in my thoughts and in my dreams at night."

Mimiru smiled at him. "That was really sweet, Tsukasa."

Tsukasa gathered up his courage and took the plunge. "I love you, Mimiru."

Mimiru froze and lowered the hand that had gone to smooth her hair. Tsukasa lowered his head and waited for the explosion of wrath as he writhed in tormented agony. But what came was unexpected.

A tan hand entered his vision and the fingers forced his chin up. He stared into Mimiru's brown eyes that held none of the disgust he knew he would see. Instead there was only compassion and something else he dared not name aloud.

"I thought it was Subaru," Mimiru said in a subdued voice that alarmed Tsukasa as she dropped her hand back to her side.

Tsukasa gave a tiny shake of his head. "No, Mimiru. Subaru is my soul twin, my sister in spirit. There are no romantic feelings between us."

Slowly Mimiru caught at his hand and held it between hers. She asked in a low tone full of suppressed tears. "Do you really mean it?" 

Tsukasa nodded and Mimiru looked off into the distance. A few minutes later she gave him a small nod.

"I have to think about this," Mimiru told him. "There is a lot to consider, you know. It was different when I thought you were a boy. Because you are a girl if we get involved there will be serious consequences. I will probably be shunned by my extended family and we will be ostracized from most of society. Can you deal with that?"

Tsukasa nodded and Mimiru persisted. "Are you strong enough? I don't want to get my heart broken for nothing, you know."

"Yes," Tsukasa's heart soared and he said softly. "I can deal with anything, Mimiru. As long as I'm with you."

Mimiru nodded jerkily and threw her arms around him. "Then let's try, Tsukasa. Because I love you too!"

Tsukasa staggered but he caught Mimiru in his arms. The two stared at each other, all smiles as they basked in the feeling of each other's love. And as the sunset faded into twilight around them the two shared their first kiss.

And in the distance a wise man, a woman with divided loyalties and a justice seeker kept vigil over them. Near them yet apart stood an assassin who watched the scene with icy eyes while the wakened dreamer kept watch over the couple from the sky above.


	5. Nothing Can Touch Us

This is the last poem installment for this story. That means that there is only one written part left before this is over. I'm sorry if Tsukasa got a little (or a lot) out of character in the last part but that's how it came to me.

I'm feeling a lot better now, not quite so eager to give up on everything. Hopefully I will be feeling a hundred percent soon.

But this fic is dedicated to Caro Mio with love and to S.C. for friendship beyond bounds.

To Akichi-kun thanks yet again for the idea for this fic and thank you for your continuing support of me through my bad spots lol. To Firecracker Girl for your undying support and unlimited listening capabilities, I thank you!

Samanda

Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack.

Nothing Can Touch Us

My heart is connected to yours

With a thin silver cord

Though oceans apart in body

Our spirits are together

Bound in love.

I hate being apart from you

But that is life, my koi

And no one can escape it

Not even I,

The one who tried.

If we are ever separated

Against your will

I will find you again.

You can count on me

Because we are forever

Nothing can touch us.


	6. Nothing Can Touch Us Part Two

Technically, wolfy, the assassin is Sora the player killer. At the beginning I didn't like him but he kind of grew on me at the end. He chose to do something good over gaining more power and that was a very un-Sora like thing to do. That flicker of goodness over all the selfishness makes me want to probe into his character more so you will probably see a Sora centric fic out there soon with a little BT thrown in. I think they are two of the more misunderstood characters in .hack//sign. But anyways…

Akichi will post the Kite/BlackRose story I mentioned in an earlier chapter since it is His Idea and not mine. He and he will write it almost in its entirety. He is my protegee so to speak and it's his first story so please give him some good reviews, okay? ^^

I kept Tsukasa and Mimiru's names because in this fic they used their own names to sign into the world. Okay? I also gave Tsukasa the kun suffix versus the chan suffix because most of the time chan is used for girls who are close friends. And Tsukasa is more masculine than feminine so he gets the kun suffix which is used for close male friends.

Oh and can you guess who Yukito is? ^^

As always my love goes out to Caro Mio. Also for S.C. and Akichi-kun for friendship beyond bounds.

Akichi-kun is also partly responsible for the idea of this story so thank you!

Read, Enjoy and Review.

Samanda

Nothing Can Touch Us Part Two

The alarm went off but Mimiru refused to wake up. Tsukasa who was awakened by all the noise turned it off with a snap. He shook Mimiru's shoulder repeatedly until she opened her eyes blearily and looked up at him.

"Ohayo, Mimi-chan." Tsukasa chirped at her.

Mimiru glared at him with the stare all night owls give the cheerful morning people and Tsukasa backed up with hands in front of his chest.

"Ohayo," Mimiru said like it was a death sentence.

Tsukasa decided it was time to retreat from the bedroom and he did so under Mimiru's narrowed eyes. Mimiru got out of bed and walked to the closet yawning. 

She remembered that they had both gotten time off from their jobs to go to the wedding that Aya had invited them to and that it was for today. She chose a cheerful yellow sundress since it was going to be a warm day outside. The smell of food cooking drifted into the bedroom and her mouth watered. She dressed hurriedly and followed the appetizing aroma to the kitchen.

Tsukasa was cooking a western style breakfast of scrambled eggs with bacon, sausage and cheese mixed in. Bread was in the toaster with a knife and butter at the ready when it popped up.

Mimiru set the table as Tsukasa finished breakfast and slid it onto a waiting plate. He brought it all out to the table and they dug in.

It's a good thing Tsukasa can cook, Mimiru thought fondly. Otherwise we would have starved to death on my cooking skills.

That was only one of the few things that had surprised Mimiru when they had moved in together two years ago. Tsukasa cooked and he did it excellently while Mimiru could have been the poster child of kitchen destruction. Mimiru did all the housework except whatever dealt with the kitchen. It was Tsukasa's private domain and she hadn't been allowed in there unescorted since the last time she had made the toaster catch on fire.

Mimiru had likewise banned him from anything other than cooking since he was completely hopeless at it. But the arrangement they had suited them perfectly because Tsukasa was always tie dying her clothes. 

Tsukasa stacked the dishes then washed them. He left them to dry on the dish rack as he went to get ready for the day. He came back in slacks and a dress shirt as Mimiru braided her hair and put on her sandals.

They headed out of their apartment and over to Daisaku's house where the wedding was to be held.

*********************

At the reception:

"I'm glad you were able to come, you two!" the newly made Koishitawa Aya smiled as she took Mimiru's outstretched hand and squeezed it gently.

"We wouldn't have missed it for the world," Tsukasa winked at Aya.

Aya's light blue eyes blinked once then she said dryly, "Very cute." But she was happy that Tsukasa had overcome his bad experience there so completely.

Koishitawa Daisaku stood beside his bride and shook Tsukasa's hand as he teased gently, "We're still waiting for the invitations to your wedding."

Mimiru blushed and Tsukasa looked uneasy but said quickly. "It will come don't worry."

"Good," the newlyweds said together then laughed.

Aya was medium height and slim with sable hair and light blue eyes while her husband was tall and stocky with light brown hair and dark brown eyes. They made a striking pair with her sparkling vitality and his ever present charm.

They excused themselves and went to greet the other guests that had made it to the couples happy day. Aya and Daisaku also known as B.T. and Crimson Knight, had had a long, hard journey before they had made it down the aisle. B.T. felt she had to prove that her loyalties would lay only with Daisaku and he had some trouble with keeping some time for her rather than letting his business consume him.

There were a lot of other people here from The World and it showed it showed in the age variance and hodgepodge lifestyles of the people present. Children with adults present, teenagers barely legal and adults from their twenties into their fifties all in one place was a sight mostly unseen outside of a family reunion or on a street corner.

They bumped into a middle-aged man and Tsukasa apologized but he waved it off. "No problem, kids. This place is stuffed full."

Tsukasa and Mimiru finally managed to make it across the room to tap onto a familiar man's shoulder.

The man turned around. He had thinning brown hair cut rather short and a perpetually thoughtful expression etched onto his face. His gray eyes blinked owlishly from behind a pair of glasses before he smiled.

He was delighted. "Ah Tsukasa-kun and Mimiru-chan. I'm so glad you stopped by to see your old guardian."

"You old? It will never happen, Kei." Mimiru gently punched him on the arm.

Tsukasa hugged the older man and agreed, "You'll never be old, Dad."

"Nonsense," The old man avowed but his eyes twinkled.

Mimiru glanced around. "So who else is here?"

"Akiko is around here somewhere," Kei waved vaguely. "Taro, Nadesico, Shin and Botan are in the corner trying to con one of the waiters into letting them have some wine. And Yukito is over there hitting on some poor girl."

Tsukasa excused himself and went off to find his soul twin, Akiko, as Mimiru shook her head giving a long glance at poor Yukito. He really was trying to hit on some poor girl who would rather be anywhere else from the look on her face, Mimiru surmised.

"Poor Yukito…always so unlucky in love," Mimiru murmured.

Kei shrugged. "It's his fault for falling in love with girls who will never love him back. Sometimes I think he does it on purpose."

Mimiru agreed then hugged Kei and moved on. She met old acquaintances and newer ones like Ana aka A20. She reminisced with friends about 'the good old days', talked about the present and wished about the future. Every once in a while she would glance over at Tsukasa and make sure he was okay. He preferred to stay in a corner with Akiko because he was still very uncomfortable in crowds. But all their friends knew so they made a point to stop and chat with both of them for a while before they too went on to talk to other old friends.

After hours of socializing Mimiru collected Tsukasa and they bid goodbye to everyone and they went home.

Tsukasa was driving them home when Mimiru spoke up. "So when are we getting married, darling?"

Tsukasa gripped the wheel tighter and cursed Daisaku for getting him into this mess as he tried to pacify his impatient girlfriend. He swerved and managed not to crash in the guard rail as Mimiru threw her arms around him in happiness.

~Fini~


End file.
